exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
