I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
