I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
