1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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