im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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