$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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