What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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