Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
