I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's get the cat blown out
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
