i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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