so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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