Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
