dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
