I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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