all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
