I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
