I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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