im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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