Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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