Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
