My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
