Someone shit on the floor
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
