I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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