OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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