dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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