i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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