apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
