This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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