It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
