My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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