well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
