i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
