Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
