i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
as a side note pls kill me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
