He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
