I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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