3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
