you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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