Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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