My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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