my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just pee around me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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