He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
