she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
