did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
