i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
