Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
