i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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