standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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