i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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