I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
