at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
